I miss the REAL me....

Life change...in an instant...

2010-09-28T09:04:00.003-05:00

As I sit here...I'm just bewildered at how life can change in just an instant...And it has. On Friday, September 24th, my best friend Sabrina lost the love of her life, David, in a fatal car accident. I still can't believe it....

I remember when Sabrina met David..the nonchalant way that she mentioned him, and my almost immediate "knowing", after only 2 dates, that she would marry him. I don't know how I knew, I just did. I wanted to see him as the enemy, and I did for a long time.....the one who "took my best friend away from me", as her time and attention was all but gone. It was hard to adjust to him being in her life, at least from my standpoint, because I felt like my friend abandoned me. But I couldn't deny how happy David made her....how he treated her so well and doted on her like I had never seen. He loved her as she was, not as he wanted her to be....and for that, I couldn't help but come to love David too.

Over the years, David became my friend as well. I couldn't ignore his generous spirit, his passion for people coming to know Christ, and his love for my friend.

The other day when I heard the news, I was numb. Now I grieve...but not for David. I know where he is...He is in the presence of Jesus! I grieve for Sabrina....for the brutal way her world was turned upside down....for her children, that they will grow up not knowing their wonderful father...for David's mother...as a woman who lost her husband and now her son......And, in a way, I grieve for all of us that are left behind that were blessed to know David and won't get to laugh with him one more time....

I can already see God's goodness in the midst of all that has happened since Friday. The outpouring of love for Sabrina and her family has been nothing short of amazing. Even now, God is taking care of their needs and surrounding them with so many loving arms to hold and comfort. In my own heart, things are bittersweet. Sabrina and I haven't been as close over the past few years as we used to be, and I am feeling the regret of that. All of this has made me see how much I miss my friend and has drawn us back together. God is touching and will touch many lives through this, that I know. And David wouldn't have it any other way!

New year, "real" me?

2009-12-31T11:56:00.003-06:00

Everyone is doing the "Recap of 2009" or "Best of 2009" in the bloggie-blog world...To be honest, it's causing me the blues....The title of my blog is truer today than it has ever been...I MISS THE REAL ME...I did have some great times this year, don't get me wrong. But in the grand scheme of things, the "real" me feels more lost than ever.

Have you ever felt completely powerless to change anything about your life? I'm not talking about the changes that last a few weeks, or even a few months....like New Year's Resolutions, but...lasting change?.....I feel trapped and smothered by this feeling....I hate the victim mentality, but it is scary feeling out of control. Spiritually, that might be a great place to be..."surrender" and all that jazz about "letting go and letting God", but to me.....my relationship with God has been the scariest part of my year..I hate looking back with regret, knowing that I have tried to fight everything He's brought my way....I know better. But, it's like I can't remember the truth about who He is or who I am anymore. I need an intervention...

Have you ever felt like you are drowning in longing? It's an ache that I almost can't stand. I feel like I am caught between the solitude I know I need and the restlessness that makes me fight it. Maybe everyone has to get this desperate? I know God hasn't really "gone" anywhere...but man, I miss Him like you wouldn't believe....

The New Year often seems like a time of new beginnings, and it seems weird that the passing of a day ushers all that hope in...I can't imagine spending another year like the last...so much wasted time, so many opportunities lost....I know that change is not instant, it does not happen, for the most part, over night. I'm hoping to see some change in myself this next year, but even more than that, I'm hoping to see God.

A reprint of an old fav...and still quite relevant

2009-11-24T09:36:00.001-06:00

I had forgotten all about my MySpace account until today, I don't think I've checked in in about a year. I came across an old blog entry and was surprised (although I shouldn't have been) at how relevant it was to my life right now...So, I thought it was worthy of a repost...

So....I haven't posted a blog in a while....I've been doing alot of thinking since I've been home and have had plenty of time on my hands... Things have settled back into the mundane of life and ,in some respects, it's good to just not have an agenda. In other respects...I am restless. You know how some people you know are always waiting for the next thing to come along? The next experience...the next event...the next activity? God hasn't been too forthcoming with the details of my future lately and I admit that I haven't been the most patient person waiting...I am a planner, and it has been hard to wait on direction! I want to be told what I need to do next, so I can go get it done.Not exactly how God operates. He isn't about to help me be independant of Him! It has caused me to examine pretty closely how I define myself. How do I see myself when I don't seem productive? What about when I can't handle things in my own strength or do things on my own? What can I tell people that I am learning about God and my relationship WITH Him apart from what I am doing FOR Him? Those that know me well can attest to this: I am a recovering legalist that defines myself by what I do, what I accomplish, what results I achieve...This flies in the face of all that God has been teaching me for quite a while, and sometimes I am surprised how easily these things come.... I shouldn't be. I may struggle with remembering this the rest of my life. I will say that my eyes have been opened to more pride in my life than want to see, much less deal with...and that is always hard. My dad told me the other day, in one of his more vulnerable moments, that he was sorry that he hadn't "been there" for me as I was growing older. I was surprised...to say the least...to hear this from him, and yet somehow it helped me to know that he realized that. But then he said something I don't think I'll ever forget..."You seemed to have it all together. I just didn't think you needed me..." Ouch! But the issue of independance had come out again. I felt that I had to handle things on my own, because I couldn't trust anyone to take care of me. I had to portray this picture of strength and self-sufficiency, so that no one would see my weakness, uncertainty, vulnerability....because to me, failing was the ultimate humiliation. And besides, when people know you are weak they will use it against you...right? These days, I am finally seeing that for the self-destructive thing that it is, not only in my relationship with God, but with others.No one wants to listen to someone that has all the answers, who never falters, who never needs grace...and who never gives it. It's not easy for me to be vulnerable, even with God. Yet, with Him, I can place all my need in His hands and it never overwhelms Him. I pray that the more I know Him, the more dependant I become. It's humbling to be dependant, but, then again .....God says He opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble...and, man, do I need it!

I want...I want...I want...Well, as long as we are being honest...

2009-10-02T09:50:00.000-05:00

Some of my wants (hey we've all got em!) Adapted from another fellow bloggers list..with appropriate changes. Some of them were so "me", I left them as stated.

1. I want the freedom to appear foolish in front of others for the sake of living an authentic and joyful life.
2. I want to realize that I have already died and there is no other death to fear; let us commence with the living!
3. I want to cultivate boldness and perseverance in the Lord.
4. I want to be humble enough to say the hard things, ask the hard questions, and ask forgiveness.
5. I want to perform well at something, for once!
6. I want original art throughout my house.
7. I want to invite people to my home every week to share in my life.
8. I want someone to buy the house for sale across the road who is a more mature, stable, knowledgeable version of me. I want her to always have time for me, to come over and cook in my kitchen. We will go out to eat and maybe even travel interesting places together. We will be best friends for the rest of our lives and she will never go away.
9. I want to receive a personal letter to make up for every thoughtful piece of mail I’ve sent over the years that never elicited a reply
10. I want long hair with bangs that looks cute in hats.
11. I want friends and teachers to hold my hand and walk me through everything.
12. I want a paid job writing and responding to personal letters
13. I want to be able to walk up to a person I do not know and introduce myself and have a conversation with them and not feel like a total loser.
14. I want to be unafraid to cry in front of people when things aren’t going so hot.
15. I want to come home after a social event and not hate myself for all of the annoying things I said, the insightful things I should have said but didn’t, the way I cowered in the corner, the food I should have enjoyed
16. I want all the women who love me to come around me for a week, catching me off guard, tromping through all the doors in my house, camping in my yard, snoring in the ext room, bearing gifts of art and food and lessons and laughter, hugging me, holding me, patting me on the back, smoothing my hair saying “There there. We love you, this is a beautiful life, we’re going to help you out here, hold your hands, teach you what you need to know, sit in a circle with you and talk and share and be honest, and bring you out of yourself, out of this dark pit, into community and confidence in the Lord your Strength and Grace!”
17. I want the freedom to eat things I know are really bad for me once in a while
18. I want to feel free to be happy in front of people, to be silly, to enjoy myself
19. I want the freedom to be imprecise, extravagant, careless or unmindful…without consequence…just sometimes
20. I want to eat bacon and cheese and ice cream and pounds of jelly bellies! Not all at the same time. Okay. All at the same time.
21. I want to memorize Ephesians, Galatians, and pretty much a bunch of the Psalms.
22. I want to get up at 5am and feel refreshed, to actually be productive, to enjoy the morning…every day for the rest of my life
23. I want to floss my teeth every night
24. I want to bake bread every week, homemade…and cinnamon rolls…and eat them…and not gain weight
25. I want people to stop commenting on everything I do and say. Give me a break!
26. I want to stop being so judgemental.
27. I want to be able to ride my bike a long distance..or at all! I need air in my tires. And I want a really sweet road bike.
28. I want to be a really loving friend
29. I want to enjoy my life, no regrets
30. And not be so bloody miserable so much of the time
31. I want to stop being so hard on myself
32. I want to develop the ability to be joyfully spontaneous
33. I want someone to teach me how to make my own clothing
34. I want to be able to have a plant and not kill it.
35. I want to learn to make my own almond milk and learn how to dehydrate foods.
36. I want someone to teach me how to garden year round, and by “teach” I mean “Practically put their hands on top of mine as we use the broadfork and walk down the rows together
37. I want to have a clue as to what to cook for myself each night.
38. I want someone to teach me to use my camera to its potential and how to edit my photos so they look like I halfway know what I’m doing.
39. I want to know how to make a great cup of tea
40. I want an expanded vocabulary with a guide to pronunciation (pronunciation can be tricky when you learn most new words from a written source)
41. I want to know several hymns by heart (all the verses)
42. I want someone to teach me how to knit useful and beautiful things
43. I want someone to be my forever personal trainer and running coach, who is knowledgeable in treating injuries or is just so good that I never have any!
44. I want to learn to speak conversational Chinese. I really, really do.
45. I want to feel comfortable dressing like my old self in vintage clothes and unique stuff. I’ve gotten in a jeans and hoodie rut
46. I want a cute little house that I OWN, that is already remodeled and the value will go up every year
47. I want to give people fabulous, unexpected gifts that are either very special or very practical but always very appreciated
48. I want bamboo floors and beautiful thick rugs throughout my home
49. I want a fenced in front porch with a hammock
50. I want a kitchen “nook” with a window seat
51. I want affordable, fast wireless Internet, in my home, without a contract
52. I want a wall of book shelves filled with tons of books on every subject I love and people cab come over and settle in a cozy chair and read in my “library”
53. I want attractive, comfortable living room furniture with enough room for people to sit and to mingle and no cat claw marks on the sides
54. I want someone to burn my journals when I die. There are some things that are just between me and God
55. I want to pare my belongings down to the essentials, leaving the daily bread up to the Lord. Of course, this would negate my desire to have someone give me a mega shopping spree at REI, where I can raid the place and get all the cool gear I want!
56. I want to be the kind of person that everybody knows they can talk to, confide in, discuss problems with, and always receive wise counsel or friendly conversation
57. I want to live with determination and focus
58. I want to be able to pick up and go at a moment’s notice with everything I need packed into one small bag
59. I want to spend more time in silence, listening
60. I want everything in my home to have a place
61. I want to generate no more than a shopping bag full of trash per month
62. I want to give away half of my income
63. I want to love my home
64. I want to be that old woman who is a grandma to everyone
65. I want my organs donated and my body cremated
66. I want any kids I might have to love God with their whole being and worship God with a psalmist heart
67. I want to critically read through all the literature I didn’t get to in high school
68. I want to write a blog, thoughtfully and impact tons of lives
69. I want to be able to sing in public and not be utterly humiliated
70. I want to be able to dance without being so self-conscious…the tango, salsa and belly dancing
71. I want to be content with what I have and have a genuine heart of gratitude
72. I want to see the Northern Lights
73. I want to live with Sara (aka Happy Foody) for a month to absorb her enthusiasm, eye for everything, motivation, skill, knowledge, and people skills
74. I want to go to a ranch in Montana and ride horses and be wild
75. I want to be able to write songs.
76. I want to use my Passport, even though my photo looks like I just recovered from the plague
77. I want to travel lots of places and meet lots of people (how’s that for generic?)
78. I want to be able to run a marathon in around 3 hours! How’s that for lofty!?
79. I want to do triathlons...and be able to keep doing them as I get older
80. I want to be beautiful, inside and out...content and comfortable in my own skin and not be so obsessed with my body and it's imperfections
81. I want to be able to praise the Lord despite my circumstances and feelings
82. I want to meet my brothers and sisters int he persecuted church and minister to them...boy, that's prideful...
83. I want to give myself away, without worrying if the gift of myself is worthy or not
84. I want to be an encouragement to those that are depressed and without hope

100 Things about me

2009-08-24T09:31:00.000-05:00

I finally got around to doing (what seems to be) the obligatory 100 things for my blog. They are as random as I am, in absolutely no defined order. I found this to be fairly difficult; I consider myself a pretty random person but I really tried to list some of my most interesting information.

1. I am 33 years and 5(ish) months old as of today.
2. I hope I haven't experienced the “best years of my life”, YET!
3. I work in a hospital. Some days I like nursing, some days I don't...ALL days, I don't like St. Vincent's.
4. I never played sports in high school or college, too uncoordinated. So I run. Lots of uncoordinated people run, it looks funny, but it works for them!
5. I love sunrises, it's the most peaceful part of the day for me.
6. I will not write any more about my job because, as much as I hate to, I have to censor myself.
7. I worry sometimes about getting MRSA, it's everywhere. WASH YOUR HANDS.
8. I've lived several different places, but I'm still finding my way home.
9. Part of me never wants to leave Arkansas and the other part of me wants to run as far as I can away from this place. If I could live anywhere I would choose Colorado..at least right now.
10. As much as I talk about South Dakota being the COUNTRY, I have fond memories of that place and my grandma as long as I live.
11. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people say they have your back but then all they do is talk behind it.
12. You don’t have to like me, just don’t pretend you do.
13. If I had it my way I would wear scrubs or jeans and a hoodie everyday. I say almost because every now and then it is fun to get super dressed up.
14. The only make up I need in my life is concealer, no-shine powder, eyeliner and lip-gloss.
15. I used to not leave the house without a scrunchie. I KNOW, soooo 90's. Even when I wear my hair down, it eventually gets put up somehow.
16. I hate (read: despise) drama, but somehow always manage to find my way in the middle of it.
17. I have heard that people think I am rude but I think the problem is that I am so real people can't handle it.
18. I only have a few close friends. This may say very little about me, but it says everything about them.
19. I don’t really like the dating process. All my life I have either been in serious relationships or single. Right now, I'm loving...LOVING being single.
20. I have had my heart broken by several guys but the worst heartbreaks in my life were from friends I thought I could count on, but couldn't.
21. My most serious relationships can be summed up by two words: MESSED UP.
22. I do like cheesy girl movies. But I like spy-thriller kick-ass movies more.
23. I attended all my school years at a public school and am jealous of the kids that get to wear uniforms.
24. With the exception of a few rare moments, I hated high school. Anyone who says High School is the best four years of your life is full of crap. I have had WAY better four year periods of time in my life.
25. I am obsessed with spy thrillers and government drama shows. If I could do my life over I would have gone into the FBI or been a spy with mad skills.
26. I am graduated with my B.S in Nursing...and that's just what it is sometimes...BS.
27. I use a ridiculous amount of commas; commas, commas, everywhere..
28. I often think about blogging, but usually go read other people's blogs instead. I just attribute that to my thoughts being so complex that I can't put them into words.
29. I would LOVE to work for a magazine; preferably Runner's World, Self, Radiant..and have a giant expense account and get to try new products for free and then give my opinions on them all day and get paid for it.
30. I went to college while living at the parental home. I hated the commute and living there even more...but it was SO fulfilling to get my first job and move out! One of my worst and best years.
31. I have thought of going back to school for a fleeting moment or two and realized it would be more to prove something to everyone else than because I wanted to.
32. I truly believe that you can't change someone else. That apparently doesn't stop my psyche from trying..even though I hate when people don't accept ME.
33. I am in no hurry to have children. I used to want to be a mom someday but now I'm not so sure.
34. I will never get married just to have children. But, if I never get married, I hope for spiritual offspring.
35. I have had my future children's names picked out and changed several times over the years. Now, it might be pointless.
36. I'm not sure if I do have kids, if I actually want to give birth. I think it would be neat to be pregnant and to have a child that was a unique genetic expression of me and my husband, but I have somewhat of a desire to adopt a Chinese baby.
37. I was never a "smoker". I have tried smoking, but it wouldn't really "stick". Thank God.
38. Same with drinking. I like an occasional glass of wine, but I'm def a lightweight.
39. I love not working, but if I didn't have to work sometimes, I would be bored.
40. Brand names do not impress me. Neither does the size of your house. Or the type of car you drive. I am impressed by everyday heroes and people who can run under an 8-minute mile.
41. When I was in high school/college I watched 90210 and Felicity. Still like Felicity, 90210...not so much.
42. TV networks were stupid for letting go of ALIAS and 24. I know,I know...the themes can only be done over so many times...but kick-ass can go on forever!
43. The only shows I consistently watch now are Top Chef, Drop Dead Diva, and Army Wives. Project Runway just started again and I watch that weekly with friends..more for the friends.
44. I am sick of "reality" TV. The quality of "real" life pales in comparison to fake life.
45. I am not the biggest fan of Broadway shows or musicals. I have seen Les Miserables and CATS...but that is the extent of my repertoire.
46. The only sport I watch is triathlons. LOVE it!
47. I like going to local sports events more to people watch and for the experience, than to actually watch the game.
48. I REALLY want to go to Kona, Hawaii someday and watch the Ironman triathlon.
49. My parents are not really my friends, although I have started seeing them more as people. I know that's lame, but true.
50. I hope to get to know them more, I want to be able to tell my children (if I have any)..stories about their grandparents.
51. For someone who is not very emotional, when it comes to my parents, I actually cried from missing them when I lived in China.
52. I am not allergic to any foods. My food tastes, however, have done some weird changing lately. I used to hate lemon stuff...now it's all I want lately!
53. I really want to be more conscious of purposeful thanksgiving. It is the most beautiful of qualities.
54. I am planning to volunteer at this year's Soaring Wings Half Marathon, since I can't run it. Last year it was my first half-marathon and a wonderful experience.
55. I have really wanted to try helping to build a house for Habitat for Humanity.
56. I have only been to the movies a handful of times in the last three years. Everything about going to the movies, from the price…to the noise, makes me want to scream the entire time.
57. I think NetFlix is genius.
58. I feel completely out of touch with the next generation. I often call teenagers, "teeny boppers" and wonder how the kids in junior high seem so small.
59. I don’t drink often but I love a good glass of sweeter than sweet dessert wine. If I am at the beach, I will order a fruity drink or a 'Sex on the Beach'. I do not like beer. At all.
60. Growing up I had a dog named Patches, but I don't remember him very well. My mom had a cat named Putsy...and I blamed her for pushing me down the basement stairs when I was little.
61. I have 2 cats, Shelby and Abigail. They each have very distinct personalities. Almost all of my pets have had human names.
62. I lived the first 18 years of my life without a cell phone or a computer, and now, I feel like a slave to both of them.
63. I am still amazed by the digital camera. The whole take a picture and see it right away thing blows my mind.
64. I can't remember the last time I truly relaxed...the settle-down inside yourself...kind of relaxed. My relationship or lack of a vibrant one, with God, definitely makes the difference there.
65. I have what I like to call “cleaning ADD”; I’ll start in one room but then have to put something away in another room and then clean in there until I have to put something in another room…you get the idea. In the end, nothing is clean.
66. I ran in college, but it was more of the obsessive-exercising kind of running. I can't really remember if I enjoyed it. Now..I love it.
67. I would rather buy clothes for working out, running and (hopefully someday) tri’s then for every day life or work.
68. I am feeling the desire to downsize and live with less stuff, but getting rid of things is harder than it seems. Still examining why that is.
69. I consider myself more introverted because I actually have a lot of social anxiety and would prefer to be alone or in small groups, but as I become comfortable with my identity in Christ, I actually see glimpses of a more extroverted person.
70. Except for the fact that I just told you, you would never know I had social anxiety. I hide it exceptionally well, when you actually see me, that is...haha!
71. My short lapses of living in Florida have been some of the hardest, but best times in my life.
72. Most of my regrets have to do with not truly being myself.
73. I am terrified of heights and will never sky dive or bungee jump.
74. I am soooo blind and wear contacts. I only wear my glasses when I absolutely have to. The spatial thing makes me feel all funny.
75. I don't put up with a lot of crap anymore. In some sense, this might be good. In other ways, I need to be more gracious to people.
76. One of my good friends, Thomas, died several years ago. The night before he died, he invited me to do something with him and I passed because I didn't "feel like it"...I never got to see him again. I wonder sometimes how many opportunities I miss because I don't "feel like" doing something.
77. I never understood why you needed a license to fish, but not to have children.
78. I like pretty much all music. I listen to a little of everything.
79. I really love cooking if it's my idea. Put pressure on me to make something and forget it! It causes me a lot of anxiety to plan a meal for someone.
80. One of the best things my parents taught me was about saving money and working hard.
81. I escaped childhood without too much injury. Maybe because I was a "play it safe kid". I did, however, break my collarbone falling off a chair, cause I had to put my boots on "MYSELF"...seems like I'm still screwing up in life, cause I have to do things "MYSELF"..
82. I have very little artistic ability but I love to paint. I also love to color. I find both to be very cathartic.
83. I have a naturally loud voice. People always think I am yelling. Until they hear me actually yell.
84. I was almost hit by a car today by an old lady...I thought...surely she is looking...yep, she was...and kept coming!
85. I spend too much time in life trying to get the approval of people that I don't even like. How's that for screwed up!
86. I don’t understand why anyone would want to live until 100. I would never want to outlive everyone I love...Hence, my hatred of the movie Tuck Everlasting.
87. I wouldn't write my own obituary. I don't have good perspective on myself and don't know If I ever will.
88. I am trying to eat more healthy cereals for breakfast...but I love and can't resist Golden Grahams, Fruity Pebbles, Waffle Crisp and Lucky Charms.
89. I only drink milk in cereal. And it has to be skim. Okay...sometimes I drink soy milk as a "steamer" in the winter.
90. I used to only like milk chocolate. Now, I love dark chocolate and the more dark and bitter the better!
91. I LOVE chocolate milk, but hardly ever drink it. The fact that it is a good "post-run" recovery drink gives me good excuse.
92. I read the newspaper sporadically, and mostly watch the news only until the weather report is given. I know that needs to change because I need to be aware of what is happening in the world, but the media is so biased.
93. Most of the time I would prefer to cut myself off from the world and stay in bed, however my Type-A do-it-all personality wont allow for it.
94. I do not like to fly...the smell in airports makes me nauseated from the moment I set foot inside...all that stale air, ugh...Airports, however, are the BEST people watching places!
95. The first time I flew (that I actually remember) was when I was 5 or 6 (?)...from Japan to the US...my parents split up and we were flying away from my dad.
96. One of my best memories with my dad is when he taught me to ride a bike in the parking lot of the movie theater. It was a purple Barbie bike and I loved it. When I get on a bike now, it terrifies me. Some people say you never forget how to ride a bike...but I swear I have.
97. I want to go to the Northeast...and take a tour of the whole area...Boston, Maine, Rhode Island...
98. I'm glad to have met my running friends...they have really been supportive and inspiring..
99. I was the only baby in my family to be born in the afternoon. Not that I had any control over that...but I like that about myself.
100. I want my life to mean something.

Passive-Agressive BS= BAD... A little honesty=GOOD

2009-07-29T13:17:00.000-05:00

Is anyone out there just tired of passive-aggressive BULLSHIT? Sorry for the blatant and probably "improper" description of my inability to deal with this crap any longer, but...For one day, I wish that everyone HAD to say what they really mean. Not that we would all have to say exactly what is in our heads, but...when we are asked a question, we answer honestly. When someone hurts or wrongs us, we tell them. And when we hurt or wrong others, they have the guts to tell us, instead of ignoring, the "silent treatment" (my personal favorite), the snide remarks, the talking about IT and YOU behind your back, or all the myriad of ways that people try to "get back" at you by manipulating....

It's probably obvious that an incident, or maybe just a LONG series of incidents, has sparked this sentiment. True...you got me..I am supposed to know that, as a Christian, I am only responsible for the way I respond, because I can't change others. Well, I'm having a hard time being a "good Christian" about a certain situation in my life right now. I have tried to tell a particular person that if they have an issue with me, to let me know...instead of all of the above behaviors and THEN SOME...but it continues...It's really sad that I am actually to the point of wanting to end the relationship completely, just mainly, I admit, out of self-protection. Today I could have walked away and never looked back...In this case, that would be difficult since this person is in the fam. I had a similar incident with a friend lately, who apparently had been angry and or hurt by something they felt I was doing and instead of saying anything, he just blew up at me out of nowhere and told me he was done making any effort in our friendship anymore. I admit, I can be clueless sometimes, but this person "prides" himself on "being honest" and regularly gripes about people, in general, not saying what they really mean!

I don't know if I made the right call by letting that end things between us or not. At the time, I was so shocked and a bit pissed at someone trying to manipulate me, that I let it go...let him go. I just don't need that in my life. It's sad that a friendship ended over it, especially one that had lasted almost 9 years, but I couldn't see having to prove myself to this person over and over again. As far as the family member with which I have the ongoing issue, it's not just between us. He drags others into the situation and it is causing strain on those relationships. I wish I didn't care about it, but it takes a toll on me. My relationship with this person, in turn, I believe, has colored the way I see God. Things haven't been that great in my spiritual life for quite some time and, in a way, I have started to see God as the Master Manipulator...using my circumstances and hurts to ultimately, get me to do what He wants. It made me wonder if I will ever or was I ever (?) loved, aside from my behavior...It makes me not want to be vulnerable to anyone, because I fear the same rejection, if I don't please that person. I hate that I think that. I hate that I let humans dictate how I feel about God, considering the relationship we have had in the past and that He is just NOT human! I miss Him, but I have kept Him at arm's length, because I know I have failed so much lately.

Maybe I'm just a big hypocrite...in fact, it's highly bloody likely. I'm just tired of living life based on what other people want and yet, am torn because of the maturity I am supposed to have in being able to forgive and live as if life does not just revolve around me. I'm tired of having regrets too..so...anyway...there it is...This time, even if it is just on paper, I'm saying what I mean, and hoping that it becomes a habit. Not in a "steamroller" kind of way that uses the truth to bludgeon people and as an excuse to say everything on my mind under the guise of "just being honest" (which is bullshit, too)...but maybe a little honesty will get me somewhere too.

My very own good advice.........

2008-07-16T16:30:00.000-05:00

I strolled into Starbuck's, as usual, last Wednsday after my workout. After ordering my Venti Hazelnut coffee, I grabbed the latest "Sync". It comes out every Wednesday and I love turning to the first page inside to see what the "Question of the Week" is in the "Meet the Staff" section. The answers to these questions are always very telling and I find myself thinking about what I might say in response...

Today's question was "If you could have dinner with the characters from any book, which one would you choose and why?"

Of course, there were the typical..."The Bible, it would be the experience of a lifetime..." or other such sentiments...the "literary" books, the "political" books, etc.....and I thought, who would I choose?

The First thought that came to mind, was a book that I haven't even read all the way through, and the associated movie that I didn't even LIKE. But nevertheless, there it was and the more I thought about it, the more sense it made to me...Alice in Wonderland...

Now, I have to admit, I immediately drew a correlation between this story and my life right now. I wish I could be the spiritual and/or mental/literary giant everyone thinks I am (hahahhaha) and say something profound about how I would pick "The Life of Pi" or some other random popular book right now, or maybe a classic like "Crime and Punishment" (one of those 400 billion page books that you suffer through in school and then tell people you read on summer break and they think you're all dark and twisty...). But nope....I chose a story about a non-sensical place a girl visits to get away from the boring and logical life, when she should have just followed her "own very good advice...", not going where she isn't invited and lounging around with Dinah the cat....

I mean, if I were at dinner with these guys, what would I say?

I would probably ask the Cheshire Cat "Why must you persist in evading the answers to my questions with riddles and then disappear?" (Although I would later realize.... that his definition of madness is merely doing the opposite of what everyone else thinks is normal and may, in fact, actually be sanity...and....if you don't care where you end up, it doesn't matter which way you go....)

I might talk to the rabbit about time management, so he wouldn't be rushing around so much...

Maybe I would ask for some of the mushroom to make me shrink when I wanted to hide or make me bigger when I was scared.....

And if the Queen of Hearts didn't threaten to "off my head", I might ask her how she got her name, when she obviously beheads anyone and everyone that does not follow her rules or do things to her liking...

I could possibly convince the Mad Hatter to give me an "Un-Birthday" party....

Let's just say that it would probably annoy the hell out of me...and yet, I would probably learn more about reality from these nonsensical characters than anyone else...and maybe more about my own life. Who would you have dinner with?

stuff....and stuff....

2008-07-12T12:20:00.000-05:00

I had posted this some time ago on my MySpace blog and felt the need for revision...

Elizabeth Elliot has said.. "You can always choose to be grateful for what is given, or ungrateful for what is not. One or the other becomes a way of life."

I'm afraid that the "latter" has been my way of life for WAY too long. So, I reflect on this list and hope to add to it frequently.
You have to be purposeful about these things, so here's my list......I love and am grateful for...

the smell of cut grass... coffee...finding something unique... flowers... journals...being able to walk, jump, skip, run, and stretch...music that touches your soul...being able to sweat...flipflops in summer...the sound of seagulls...the heat outside that's only okay in Florida because you know the beach is there...friends that give you room to breathe...finger painting...weeping willows...hummingbirds...crisp mornings...sisters...water fountains...Chinese street signs...cats that like Eggo cereal and cool whip...visiting friends...revelations from God...twirling...anything Bohemian...ice...a cool breeze...people that know your name...a good, strong back...indian chai...a good night's sleep...Back to the Future, over and over again...grocery shopping when you're hungry...the smell of clothes after being on the clothesline...owls...fingerless gloves and legwarmers....smores...barf bags on planes...unexpected and spontaneous trips...double knit thermal shirts...secret hideouts...pumpkins...Christmas cookie cutters...wax lips...nostalgia...grilled cheese..killer boot camp gym classes...new shoes...aisle seats...wind chimes..snowcones...the coolness of satin pillowcases...the smell of freshly cut rhubarb...disco hits, especially 'Le Freak'...running....time alone....care packages and snail mail....the smell of Cabbage Patch Dolls that doesn't seem to fade over time...seeing someone realize God has just touched them...

Now go post your own...

The words I need, the words I pray......

2008-06-16T19:19:00.000-05:00

I naturally tend to lean toward having a "melancholy" personality. And while at times, this can be beneficial in the area of creativity, it can lead to precision introspection. A little self awareness can be good, realizing why you think and do the things you do. But, at some point, SELF awareness is a little TOO self and a little LESS aware. Self-focused, self-conscious, self, self, self......Less aware of God, other people and their feelings, and anyone else's problems, concerns, and struggles in general. And shouldn't someone so self aware have all the answers and...... therefore, be able to overcome said issues and react to other people in the most loving and caring way???

Well, with all this analyzing going on....there's so much inside.... that NOTHING makes sense. And this is obviously frustrating for me, Miss Fix-it. I think God is teaching me, in not-so-subtle ways that.....that kind of fleshly coping isn't going to work anymore. And it hurts, sucks, etc....ad infinum. My prayers haven't been much of ANYTHING lately..almost non-existent.....more of a leaning on Jesus, who says that He is always interceding for me. Because for someone who always has an answer.....I have nothing to say..... And sadly...I still don't trust Him most days, to be praying for what I think I need. How prideful!

So, I turn to the words of the illustrious poet...aka songwriter Garrison Starr....

What makes you think...you gotta hold the world on your shoulders
and handle that load...
And who gave you...the fine-toothed comb to judge your every move
before you've even started to make one...

Hey girl, it's a beautiful day... for flying
Don't you want to open your eyes?...
You're dying....

Subtle was the way the clouds rolled in on you....to fog up your windows
and darken your view...
An unforgiving face who dared you to escape, living for the chance
to scare you back in place...

Hey girl, it's a beautiful day... for flying
Don't you want to open you eyes?...
You're dying....

It's no way.....to live so safe...
All wrapped up in my fears til I just suffocate
I will get through
if it's the last thing I do........

Hey girl, it's a beautiful day....for flying
Don't you want to open your eyes?..
You're dying...

It IS a beautiful day for flying.....I'm scared as hell, but I DO want to open my eyes...and not just to myself...to God, to others....
I hope that's what Jesus is praying for me....Wait....maybe those are all the words I need?....

Conversations

2008-06-11T20:44:00.000-05:00

I was talking with a good friend today..you know, those talks where you're just catching up, yammering on about the mundane details of life, what you've been up to, just how dysfunctional your family is, what movies you've seen lately....and somehow the conversation took a turn I didn't see coming....

I haven't really had much in common with this particular friend for a while now, and our talks seemed more like pleasantries, something you keep going because, for Pete's sake, at one time you were SO close...She's married, I am SO NOT.....she's just had a child, I'm nowhere near and terrified of Motherhood in general....she's so self assured, confident, creative.....and me, well, I just don't know who I am anymore....

And as we talked, it was like a window opened...and i could breathe again...I started to be honest again, more than I have in a long time....I allowed myself to be seen by my friend, whom I thought had disappeared forever...and one little ray of hope began to illuminate the dark closet I've been hiding in longer than I care to admit...

Without all the specifics, as you can see I am more than a little guarded.....God gave me a gift today in the love of my friend....and maybe it's just enough to point me back.....to me....the REAL ME. I hope so......Man, I love the sound of that......HOPE.

A "Magical" weekend

2008-06-09T14:15:00.000-05:00

Just spent the weekend with the fam....more time than I typically allow myself in a two consecutive day period (spending the day at Magic Springs on Saturday and all day Sunday moving my sister into her new pad) and it never fails to show me a few things about myself and the people whom I am supposed to know the best....

1. I have an immeasurable amount of IMPATIENCE when it comes to my sister and the many times that she changes her mind in any given 3 minute period.....especially when it comes to deciding which of her HEAVY belongings she wants moved and the short amount of notice involved when it comes to her showing up and demanding said objects......She has always been this way and yet I still expect that to change....But hey....at least THIS residence has not been deemed "condemned" by the city....

2. I am a very big chicken when it comes to doing things that are scary...aka "the Plummet Summit" at Magic Springs, of which every kid over 36 inches tall in the 500 feet vicinity was happily getting in line for, while I cowered in fear....(at one point, as i was screaming, no sound was coming out anymore). I did, however, break out and take a risk by floating in the "Lazy River" fully dressed....wooohoo.

3. I totally forget to eat, several meals at a time, while I am trying to get a big project done and wonder why I feel like crap (does that mean I'm Bipolar?)

4. My Dad sweats more than I thought was humanly possible and it is ALWAYS a good idea to have a towel around....

5. My brother has a surprising capacity to remain quiet when his sisters, Mom and girlfriend are all spazzing out around him....

6. Despite how much sunscreen I put on my face, I always get burned..speaking of....after my head got sunburned at the Buffalo, it started peeling and looked like major dandruff......

oh those family moments....and yet, somehow...I think I'll probably look back on those photos of us on the "log ride" and smile... (especially the one where I tried to not scream in my sister's ear, so I turned sideways and it looks as if my teeth are about to come out of my head)....yep, good times.

Godbye Harrison

2008-06-08T13:28:00.000-05:00

Well, I am finally home from the metropolis of Harrison....home of the weird and otherwise inbred community that I have spent the last 2 months commuting back and forth to...I must say that it was hard to say goodbye, but I will remember fondly.....

*Irene......oh Irene.....the Super 8 lady who, almost every week without fail, had to save some belongings I had left behind (my pillow, my robe, my cell phone), turn off the coffee pot I had left on in my room when I went to work, find my pillow case in the hotel laundry, fix the computer....I could go on...

*The coffee shop, of which I do think was named "The Strange Brew" (it definately was), where I ws privileged enough to witness "tango night" on a portable wood floor, with guys my age( short ones) dancing with "cougar"like women wearing low cut dresses (of which the guys had their faces in, because they only were as tall as each woman's bust)....apparently there is a shortage of women in that town....

*the Mennonite bakery who saw me on a fairly routine basis, buying "monster" cookies.....

*And all the interesting patients I took care of, nurses I worked with, and doctors that picked on me.....

I sadly say.....it's with a heavy heart that I sign up for shifts at St Vincent's this week....hopefully Colorado is on my agenda soon.........

Weekend at the Buffalo

2008-06-01T16:52:00.000-05:00

Finally.....my first experience at "The Buffalo" with the Vineyard gang.... You have to realize that this event is notorious for non-stop fun and adventure! I have heard about it since I started going to Vineyard about 2 years ago. And what the heck?? Two years?? Ask anyone there and they would NOT be able to attest that I have, in fact, been there that long...we'll get to that later....

Last year I remember thinking about going, but quickly dismissed it from my mind. I had a bad experience canoeing in my past, so of course I was a bit nervous about the whole idea in general. Even more so, I was scared of being in an environment where I would spend a large amount of time hanging around with people I didn't know, doing something I hadn't done in decades....Later, I remember thinking that I missed out when I heard everyone talking about it. I've noticed lately that I've missed out on alot of things because of my fears.

I can't say that it was the best experience of my life, but it was pretty fun, and I'm glad I went. I wanted to be able to spend some time with Leah, Kyle, and Amber....some people that I wish I had gotten to know sooner. There were lots of laughs, squeals, inappropriatenesses (that's for Leah), sunburns, smores, tears, pancakes, jokes, rumors, and NICKNAMES....

But it was messy for me too. Most people there still don't quite know how to "take" me...I admit that my emotions have been high strung for some time, dealing with (or not) issues in my life and I tend to be defensive, sarcastic, brash, complaining, and avoid vulnerability. I want to be known for who I am instead of being known for all the defense tactics I use to hide. It's sad that most of my time at Vineyard I have been invisible and not let myself know others, for fear of my own exposure. Maybe this trip was a step in the right direction.....